trying to get a handle on things

I haven't blogged much recently, haven't visited or posted at the Ooze too much either. The thing is, I realize how scattered my brain is. My problem in my life hasn't been not being able to figure out what I want to do - my problem is wanting to do too much. This has carried over from my personal/freelance work to my work with Threads as well. What causes me some dismay is that I see others online who have been focused and thrive financially from their small businesses, while I still struggle quite a bit in my chaotic world. I have no idea exactly what direction I'm going yet, and there are a couple collaborations that are on the table.

It was interesting that Lee talked to me before church yesterday and said that he'd like to meet with me soon. He wonders exactly what I feel drawn to be most involved in. He said that there are 20 different things that I can do, but that it's not possible for me to do all of it. Funny how my church life is a direct reflection of my freelance life! It's hard for me not to want to do 20 different things when I see a need for those to be done...

If I had a financially secure husband and could quit working I think I could fit everything in! That seems like a poor reason to wish for a husband, though. :)

So in the last three days I have met with someone about worship ideas for our church's Creative Collaborative team, written an estimate for web site work for a local business, offered to update someone's resume, created a graphic for a Christian business women's forum, edited doctoral articles for my daughter's class assignments, made a graduation gift, assembled an experiential worship element and delivered it to church, been studying passive income streams and Internet marketing, washed my furnace filters, cleaned the car, went grocery shopping, mowed the lawn, washed a bazillion dishes (no dishwasher). The laundry and housecleaning are still woefully untouched.

I've been going in a million directions...I wish God would lock me down and point me to one. I feel like a Jack of All Trades, master of none - and that's not a very good feeling. And I really need to focus on something that will bring a more steady stream of income. It would be so nice not to be stressed about paying the bills all the time.

There is crap going on

There is crap happening in my church. Not small crap, but big - heartbreakeningly serious shit. One man is gone who gave so much of his life to our teens and our whole church body, and it's hard to see the fallout. It was a disagreement with our elders. How easy it would be for it to become an "us vs them". How easy to get sucked in to the human hurt, the very real drama of it, the very real pain.

All I know at this moment in time is to keep on loving, as I love them all. What's strange is that Christ's love becomes more real to me in the midst of all this crap, when it seems like it would be the opposite, and I would be pulled away and dismayed by all the brokenness. Perhaps his love penetrates more deeply into cracks and fissures and broken hearts.