'For God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind.'
This has been my mantra as a single mother. When I walked in to work one day only to be told that they had to lay me off because of financial problems, I burst into tears, wondering how I was going to support my family. A week later, my landlord told me I had 30 days to move out of the apartment I'd lived in for five years because he wanted it for his daughter.
I talked about this in church today, while we had a panel of moms on stage, a la "The View" - talking about the challenges of being mothers in our culture, and how our faith helps shape us.
After I told about how I used to use that scripture to help alleviate some of the fears I went through as a single mother, I talked about how the more I stay in the presence of God, the more fear doesn't reach me, the more I feel that peace beyond explanation.
But I went home from church knowing I had no money left in my checkbook or savings account until payday next Sunday. Yesterday I felt at peace, knowing I had my emergency Pepsi bottle bank filled part way with coins. I filled a ziploc bag full of them and Carman and I went to the store and poured them into the coin machine and then bought groceries - and left with $1.40 in cash.
So there's food, lots of food, and I'm grateful. But I felt rather like a charlatan after church because I've felt depressed since then, and nervous about making it to Friday. One minute I am so strong in feeling my connection to God and at peace with whatever comes. The next minute I'm depressed and feeling like God is far, far away.
But I'm back to thanking God. We'll make it. And he'll still be there loving me, even when I stumble away from him in my humanness.