12.6.05

2 Timothy 1:7

'For God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind.'

This has been my mantra as a single mother. When I walked in to work one day only to be told that they had to lay me off because of financial problems, I burst into tears, wondering how I was going to support my family. A week later, my landlord told me I had 30 days to move out of the apartment I'd lived in for five years because he wanted it for his daughter.

I talked about this in church today, while we had a panel of moms on stage, a la "The View" - talking about the challenges of being mothers in our culture, and how our faith helps shape us.

After I told about how I used to use that scripture to help alleviate some of the fears I went through as a single mother, I talked about how the more I stay in the presence of God, the more fear doesn't reach me, the more I feel that peace beyond explanation.

But I went home from church knowing I had no money left in my checkbook or savings account until payday next Sunday. Yesterday I felt at peace, knowing I had my emergency Pepsi bottle bank filled part way with coins. I filled a ziploc bag full of them and Carman and I went to the store and poured them into the coin machine and then bought groceries - and left with $1.40 in cash.

So there's food, lots of food, and I'm grateful. But I felt rather like a charlatan after church because I've felt depressed since then, and nervous about making it to Friday. One minute I am so strong in feeling my connection to God and at peace with whatever comes. The next minute I'm depressed and feeling like God is far, far away.

But I'm back to thanking God. We'll make it. And he'll still be there loving me, even when I stumble away from him in my humanness.

1 comment:

gerbmom said...

Anne,
I just noticed the date of this post.....
I am so totally humbled that you would even meet me for breakfast, with Carman knowing your financial situation. That you were willing to spend the little money you had left for the week just to meet me, and spend time with my family! I'm sorry we put you in that position, and added to your anxiety! Please tell me Kim picked up the tab.......
And next time, instead of worrying, just tell me! We can do something FREE! :)
I think you are a strong, courageous, God dependant woman, and not the charlatan you feel. God is never far from you, as is evidenced by the way he did provide for your groceries!
Anyway - just my .02. :)