2 Timothy 1:7

'For God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind.'

This has been my mantra as a single mother. When I walked in to work one day only to be told that they had to lay me off because of financial problems, I burst into tears, wondering how I was going to support my family. A week later, my landlord told me I had 30 days to move out of the apartment I'd lived in for five years because he wanted it for his daughter.

I talked about this in church today, while we had a panel of moms on stage, a la "The View" - talking about the challenges of being mothers in our culture, and how our faith helps shape us.

After I told about how I used to use that scripture to help alleviate some of the fears I went through as a single mother, I talked about how the more I stay in the presence of God, the more fear doesn't reach me, the more I feel that peace beyond explanation.

But I went home from church knowing I had no money left in my checkbook or savings account until payday next Sunday. Yesterday I felt at peace, knowing I had my emergency Pepsi bottle bank filled part way with coins. I filled a ziploc bag full of them and Carman and I went to the store and poured them into the coin machine and then bought groceries - and left with $1.40 in cash.

So there's food, lots of food, and I'm grateful. But I felt rather like a charlatan after church because I've felt depressed since then, and nervous about making it to Friday. One minute I am so strong in feeling my connection to God and at peace with whatever comes. The next minute I'm depressed and feeling like God is far, far away.

But I'm back to thanking God. We'll make it. And he'll still be there loving me, even when I stumble away from him in my humanness.

Now I Know....

I tore this snippet of type out of someone else's blog today:

"...chaos is a precondition to creativity"

I was going to also quote the author, but by the time I clicked on the blog link and created a new post I forgot it. So even though I know that quote is about God and not me, it is also me. And it's comforting to just accept the fact that I will always be in the midst of chaos, unable to find important things like IRS documents or birth certificates. But throw my brain into the midst of a faith-related design project and a spiritual calmness descends and order flows.

Chaos is a precondition. Good in my wacky brained world to hang on to that fact.

First, Do No Harm

I walked over to talk to a woman that Angie was already talking to at the gospel mission. She looked homeless in her layers of clothing, and heavy tweed overcoat, long grey hair, and small cart full of knick knacks of things. Her face looked like a man, too, and at first it threw me off that this woman had a moustache and such masculine features. It threw me off in the sense that at first I wondered if I got it wrong; it's disorienting not to be able to place someone's gender right away.

She didn't talk long. I think she pegged us for Christian do-gooders, and she probably pegged us right. Not that our motives weren't good ones, they were. But when you're homeless I don't imagine that good motives count for squat. She talked about how sick she was of Christians trying to convert her to Christianity, and she almost spit out words about how she doesn't need it, doesn't want it, and was raised in a Christian home and knows what it's all about. The thing is I don't think she knows what it's all about if all of her reactions are negative ones. Unfortunately somehow she must not be hearing from anyone about Christ's incredible love and passion for us. I had sat through the same mandatory bible study that she did, so I know how boring the pastor was who delivered the message. Boring and off the mark. Boring and embarrassing in ways, like when he talked about how he wouldn't buy a Cadillac because it wouldn't look right as a pastor. I don't imagine homeless people care to hear about someone buying a car, or trying to sound humble because they could have bought a Cadillac and didn't.

I wish I'd thought fast enough and told that woman, "Yeah, sometimes we really suck, we Christians." Because sometimes we really do. "Here, let me take my religion and shove it down your throat because I need to save you really fast so you don't go to hell."

I wish I could have apologized for all the sucky Christians she's encountered. I wish I could have said it that way about how we suck sometimes because maybe it would have made her laugh, and laughter can be a huge blessing. I wish I could have given love, offered repentance for wrongs done in the name of our faith, and showed her just a tiny glimpse of Christ.

As it was, all I thought to say was, "At least you're honest about your feelings about Christianity," and she said rather bitterly, "Yeah, but do you think they care?" And I said, "I think they should."

But what I said wasn't enough. Was it something? Probably not. But maybe next time.

Powerless

Tonight in my small group we're going to the Gospel Mission to hang out with the people staying there who have no homes. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to go tonight. I was out taking a break during work when I got a call on my cell phone from Carman. Our electricity had been turned off. I hadn't even noticed that I had a shut off notice. In my inbox I'd seen a bill for $87 but I figured that wasn't too much - little did I know that was the minimum amount required to keep my service on. Thank God I just did a little freelance work after not doing any for a long time. It cost $307 to have the power turned back on.

I left work an hour early. For one thing I was crying, and I never cry at work. For another thing, I didn't want to leave Carman sitting there all by himself with no electricity or heat. When I started driving home, the tears just came pouring out again. What is it about having one of my utilities turned off that makes me feel so helpless and so alone? When I walked in the door I started crying again, and my wonderful 15-year-old son just said, "I think you need a hug," and came right over to the couch and gave me one.

I was so, so lucky that Consumers came within an hour or so and turned my power back on. Although I was getting a lot more cleaning done than normal without my computer, and with all that anxiety churning through my veins, it was such a relief to see lights turn on, and hear the furnace kick in.

Afterwards I realized two things. One, I never prayed about this. I just cried. I didn't reach out to God at all. I thought about praying, but I didn't do it. I just felt bereft instead. Two, it doesn't escape me that I had my power turned off the very day I am to go to a homeless shelter to hang out with the people there. Maybe that was the fasting I was supposed to do today - fasting from electricity and heat.

I hope next time (will there be a next time?), I remember to call out to God.

crux

23 february 2005

Wednesday night was our second meeting of the small group from church now called "Crux". Aaron and Angie have a rather out-there idea for this group; going out and being with people, and going out and serving people. Radical love.

The group right now is comprised solely of young people, except for me. Jonathan, Ethan, Aaron and Angie - all young people who grew up in the church. And me - the former wild hippie chick. It's strange to be the elder of this group and know that you've lived more on the edge, more on the seedy side of life then these younger ones. But I guess that makes me a good candidate for going out there on the streets. I've seen what habitual alcohol consumption does, and tasted my more-than-fair share of drugs, and sold my soul without even knowing I'd agreed to a transaction. I also lived and believed wholeheartedly in the idealism of the peace movement when I was a teenager. No wonder I have embraced a savior who was radical and called us to love one another.

Love One Another. That's where the name "crux" for our small group comes from. Because this small group has a specific focus on mission work, I thought it needed its own identity. Jesus' core commandment was to love one another. And the core, the primary focus, the center of something, is the crux of something. And the "x" in crux is a cross. And then I took the X and elevated it above the U. The U became in my mind the empty vessel of us, the longing of our spirit to be filled, and the X above it symbols the answer to that longing and emptiness. It is also to me a symbol of the sacrament of communion, and Christ's sacrifice upon the cross. And besides all of that, it is still decidedly an unChristian looking logo, which was also an intent. I'd rather have people recognize us as followers of Christ by our actions then by a symbol on our shirts. If we ever have shirts.

I miss half of the first meeting when everyone went out and rode the bus around town. A good thing for those of us with cars to do. Last night we studied scripture about loving people, and also discussed how God showed love to Adam and Eve even after they had betrayed him with the apple thing. There is an awful lot of grace shown there in a passage which at first glance looks full of anger. After all God could have just obliterated his creation. Started over again. Maybe created people that wouldn't have been so disobedient.

Then we talked about what we could do next week to just go out and love people. I mentioned that I sent a letter to our local mosque after September 11 apologizing for any mistreatment the people there may have suffered at the hands of Christians. There were incidents of that - one Arab-American closed his gas station down entirely after suffering several damaging attacks on his building. Another person there just for the evening mentioned that he has a web site as a go-between for landlords and potential renters. Aaron came up with the idea that maybe we should go and clean bathrooms for college students. So that is what is on our agenda right now. Scrubbing toilets and writing letters of apology to those who may have been offended in any way by Christians, and offering to be of service.

Yes, it's a different kind of small group, and my heart tells me that it's exactly where I should be. Just out there loving radically in Christ's name.

Nightmare

I just woke up from a bad dream. I have such a pounding headache now. Carman kept needing to be rescued, including pulling him up on a moving train when he lost his footing. I wonder if it's because I'm a single parent that I have so many dreams of rescuing or looking out for others?

One time recently I was praying in my dream, and I knew God was around. He wasn't in this dream, when Carman was about to be crushed by a train. But two of my friends were there, who both jumped in to help me. Both of them are Atheists.

Recently a Christian friend of mine let me down, and one of these Atheist friends was very good to me. Maybe I trust that my Atheist friend would be there for me in dire straits, but not the Christ follower. At its best that is ironic, at its worst it is sad indeed.

Winter

I catch glimpses of the outside world through the windows at work.

White snow on grey branches, white sky with silvered clouds. There comes a time when the beauty of this winter world's purity is lost in me, and only the oppressive lack of life and color remains. I have to grasp on to glimpses of sunshine and blue skies, drink in the grace of light on a day that aches with cold.

My spirit struggles in the bleakness of these months, and all I can do is keep exercising my soul to see all the blessings in the quiet time of winter.